How I learned to love myself after being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder
In Spring of 2019, I lost all contact with the world and admitted myself into the County Mental Health Urgent Care facility after calling the police on my parents for what was a minor offense - opening up my mail. For some reason in my chemically-mixed up brain, everyone was the enemy, even though they were trying their best to help me. My poor parents had figured out that I had not been paying my bills because on my behalf I had the delusion that I was to become a billionaire and leave my old life behind. Sound crazy? Yeah it does to me now too, but in my manic brain I thought it was all too real until I was strapped up and taken away to the mental hospital.
So many peculiar events leading up to that trip to the hospital, like me going on random adventures by myself whilst throwing away clothing in different trash cans around the city. I was fighting with various friends I had found on the internet - not sleeping for days on end. The most peculiar event was when I drove my car a few cities away to an Ikea where I ran out of gas and took a shuttle to a 4 Seasons Hotel where I ate a full 3-course meal and had to get picked up by my parents because I had thrown away my wallet in the trash the day before. They believed me to be missing until I called that night.
The random stories go on and on and if they sound scary to you, trust me, they were scary to me even more so. I can’t imagine what the people that cared about me felt. This is being Bipolar. it’s not just mood swings as people tend to stigmatize it as. Though that can be a part of it. It’s real and can lead to things like impulsivity, psychosis and cause hurt feelings when deeply misunderstood.
For years I hated myself. I hated that this was something that was currently incurable. Something you had to live with in fear forever that you may have an episode when you least expect it or want it to happen. Your medication needed to be taken every single day. Some of the pills being so large you struggle to swallow them, let alone take more than one.
I lost what I thought I could call friendships during this time. I had bad social anxiety after having a few psychotic breaks and felt like everyone either hated me or was trying to harm me in some way. I was scared to go out. I hated all the weight I had gained and loss of energy because of the depression I now was in. I was a mess….
But two years and a pandemic later, I’m slowly finding myself again. I’m picking up the pieces of everything I felt like I once lost and I couldn’t have done it without these crucial pieces to my continuing success - cause after all it’s a marathon, not a sprint in this thing we call life.
So here are some of my tips:
1. Find yourself a therapist
A therapist for me has done absolute wonders for me and the way I live my life.
She not only helped me conquer my past and present, but gave me a plethora of coping skills to deal with daily life to help me thrive. A lot of people think that therapy is mainly venting about your issues, but when you actively do the work to change yourself to be a better human being, you’ll get so much in return for seeing a therapist that works for you.
And I say “that works for you” because not every therapist will be your best fit. Luckily I found my right fit on the first time, but lemme tell you that issa vibe. It works mainly when they “get” you. My therapist has helped me through some of the darkest times of my life and has been there when I felt like no one else was. I know it costs money, but if you can afford it - it may just be life changing.
2. Narrow down your Vibe Tribe
Your Vibe Tribe is your support system. Basically, the people that “Get” you. You need certain people in your life that are going to love you unconditionally and you absolutely know it. Our time is a limited resource in this lifetime, so why not spend it on those who genuinely care about your utmost well being.
My family and a few friends who were there throughout all the ups and downs hold a very special place in my heart and those are the people I keep by me nowadays. Life is too short.
3. Give up on trying to be your old self
After going through what I had gone through, I changed so much as a person - mentally, physically and spiritually. In the beginning I fought so hard for what I thought was any sense of normalcy, but the moment I kept forcing myself to be the person I was before, the more I felt unhappy.
Yes, depression had made me gain weight. I couldn’t take a photo of myself for years because I thought I was ugly and that my medication was making me gain weight. It was only until recently I started changing up my wardrobe and feeling better about myself again. Spiritually I’m different than I was before and of course mentally. You can’t expect to be the same person when you’ve been through your own traumas. So I chose to no longer force myself to be who I was before, I adapted and evolved.
You should too.